A serious examination of the deep philisophical importance of yucky candy.

From:         kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject:      What would be neat.
Newsgroups:   alt.religion.kibology
Organization: welcome datacomp
Date:         Sat, 16 May 1998 10:14:43 GMT
X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8162 centons, 89 microns, .02 abians

It would be neat if some day God decided that from now on all candy
would taste bad.  And people would still keep tasting candy because
they'd expect it to taste good again real soon, and they'd get more
and more desperate for yummy candy so they'd bite into lots and lots
of pieces of icky candy.  But the candy would never taste good because
God doesn't want anyone to eat candy because he used to be a dentist.

Also when you die he makes you look at your X-rays.

                                                -- K.

                                                Did you ever see your X-rays?
                                                If so, that means you're
                                                already dead!

From:         kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject:      Re: What would be neat.
Newsgroups:   alt.religion.kibology
Organization: welcome datacomp
Date:         Tue, 19 May 1998 07:57:12 GMT
X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8162 centons, 89 microns, .02 abians

neko@mbay.net (neko) wrote:
|
| you're inferior, because M. Otis Beard (otis@teleport.com) wrote:
| |
| | Nick S Bensema wrote [re Michael Straight's bed-wetting caused by candy]:
| | | 
| | > I don't know... but elementary schools have a tendency to expose children
| | > to lots of evil to scare them.
| |
| > Which explains school cafeteria food.
| 
> when i was in high school, i once found a school lunch pudding cup that was
> the exact color of glow-in-the-dark pepto bismol. i turned the cup over, and
> at the bottom of the clear plastic cup was three caramel pieces precicely
> placed to make the international symbol for radiation.
> 
> it was good.

But the international symbol for radiation has FOUR caramel pieces!
Lick any local fallout shelter if you don't believe me!

In ASCII, it looks like this:

          #####      The top fan blade symbolizes progress.
           ###
            #        The bottom left fan blade represents truth.
       ####(#)####
        ###   ###    The bottom right fan blade represents democracy.
         ##   ##
                     The dot in the center represents THE CREAMY NOUGAT CENTER!

So whoever made your pudding cup was either too stupid to know what
nougat means to the Atomic Energy Commission, or was a Communist,
depending on which part was missing.  FOR YOUR SAKE, I HOPE YOU DIDN'T
EAT ANY PUDDING THAT HAD THE BOTTOM RIGHT BLOB MISSING.  BECAUSE IF
YOU DID EAT PINK COMMIE PUDDING, THIS MEANS YOU'RE NOW A COMMIE.

No, wait.  Eating pink stuff makes you gay.  It's eating red stuff that
makes you a Commie.  Or giving birth to Desi Arnaz Jr.

Ever notice the fallout shelter symbol,

          #####
           ###
            #
       ##### #####
        ###   ###
         #     #

...is just three gay symbols tucked together in a circle?  This is because
the Commies were hoping that all the American men would pack themselves into
fallout shelters and turn gay after eating pink Commie gay pudding.
This would eliminate the threat posed by the American men, and to get
rid of the women the Commies would just go door-to-door and sell them
vacuum cleaners until they all went broke and had to take jobs in
the candy factory, where the pink nougat would come down a conveyor
belt so fast it would make them get dizzy and pass out, and when they
woke up they'd be school cafeteria workers.

THAT'S THE MASTER PLAN, FOLKS.  THAT'S THE ONLY MASTER PLAN.

                                                -- K.

                                                Suppose Sigmund Freud,
                                                Sherlock Holmes, and
                                                Moe Howard were trapped
                                                in an elevator playing
                                                MasterMind.  I think it
                                                would go something like this...

                                                "YOU SUCK!  YOU SUCK!
                                                GET OFF THE STAGE!
                                                MORE CARROT TOP!"

From:         kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject:      Re: What would be neat.
Newsgroups:   alt.religion.kibology
Organization: welcome datacomp
Date: Wed, 20 May 1998 09:52:04 GMT
X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8162 centons, 89 microns, .02 abians

neko@mbay.net (neko) wrote:
>
> Kibo said:
> >
> > So whoever made your pudding cup was either too stupid to know what
> > nougat means to the Atomic Energy Commission, or was a Communist,
> > depending on which part was missing.  FOR YOUR SAKE, I HOPE YOU DIDN'T
> > EAT ANY PUDDING THAT HAD THE BOTTOM RIGHT BLOB MISSING.  BECAUSE IF
> > YOU DID EAT PINK COMMIE PUDDING, THIS MEANS YOU'RE NOW A COMMIE.
> 
> actually, the middle dot was the little belly-button dot on the bottom of
> all plastic pudding cups where they snap them off the runners after they're
> born.

Does that mean you didn't eat it?

It's wasteful to throw away your pudding belly-buttons.  There are
starving children in (INSERT NAME OF CONTINENT WE'RE GLAD WE'LL NEVER HAVE
TO VISIT, WE VOTED FOR EISENHOWER) who would kill each other with their
home-made switchblade knives just to have a pudding belly-button, because
they're so poor they can't afford to have belly-buttons.

Or did you swallow it, because it contained the secret microfilm with
the names of all 100000000000 of the Communists in the United States Senate,
you Commie?  And while we're on the subject, would Alger Hiss have been
prosecuted if his name hadn't been so obviously evil?

I mean, it's Algae plus Plunger plus Hiss.  Like the way Saugus is
Sausage plus Fungus.  And so's its name.

                                        -- K.

                                        I have a belly-any-key.

From:         kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject:      Re: What would be neat.
Newsgroups:   alt.religion.kibology
Organization: welcome datacomp
Date: Tue, 19 May 1998 05:07:15 GMT
X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8162 centons, 89 microns, .02 abians

Michael Straight (straight@email.unc.edu) wrote:
> 
> When I was a little kid, I saw some evil cartoon (I think in school!) 
> aiming to get kids not to eat too much candy (I think).  There was a boy
> who ate too much candy and was kind of fat and snuck into a candy factory
> or something.  And the factory captured him and strapped him into a chair
> which was on a track and moved through the factory.  And the chair had
> these prongs which held the boy's mouth open.  And as the chair moved
> through the factory, various kinds of candy were dumped into the kid's
> mouth (to his horror), making him fatter and fatter.  Until finally he
> came to the end of the "ride" and he was too fat to get out the door until
> these other two kids came along and helped him or something. 
> 
> And I'm getting a queasy feeling just typing this.  Because I had
> nightmares about this cartoon for a long time, to the point that I'm not
> sure anymore if the cartoon really existed or if it was just my own
> made-up nightmare based on Willy Wonka and Winnie the Pooh or something. 
> Except I was a scrawny little kid with no particular addiction to candy. 
> 
> Is there anyone else who was scarred for life by this cartoon or who knows
> someone who was?

Okay, Michael, allow me to undo your psychic scarring!


(FADE IN on lettering which is slightly off-center to make it look "with it".
There is badly distorted educational-film trumpet music.)


                              Kibo presents

                      TOO MUCH CANDY IS GOOD FOR YOU
                             An After-School
                               Special Show


(A KID is returning home from trick-or-treating.  He is dressed as
Evel Knievel and carries an old pillowcase full of generic candy,
such as licorice allsorts, ribbon candy, and those little dots on
adding-machine tape.  He enters the living room.)

        KID
        Oh boy!  I got candy!

        MOMMY
        Now Michael, don't eat all that candy tonight!
        Save half of it for breakfast.

        DADDY
        And remember to give the Pope 10% of it!

        KID
        Okay Mommy!  Okay Daddy!  Now I'm gonna eat my candy!  Bye!

(He runs into his bedroom, which is decorated with generic road
signs such as "SPEED LIMIT", "STREET", and red octagons which say "SLOW".
He dumps the pillowcase of candy out onto the bed and then shouts
"Whee!" and does a belly-flop into the pile of candy.  We see a
cowboy poster on his wall.  A tear runs down the face of the cowboy.)

        COWBOY
        (on poster, smoking)
        Hey, kid!  Don't play with your food!
        Just eat the friggin' candy!

        UNCLE SAM
        (on a WWII-era "I Want You!" poster)
        Yeah, kid!  Candy's for the eatin'!
        I want you... to eat candy!

        TEDDY BEAR
        I wish I were real so I could eat candy!

        KID
        Oh boy!  I got a LOT of candy!

(He picks one up and pops it into his mouth, then immediately
falls asleep.  Harp glissandos.  His bed floats into the
air and flies out the window with him lying face down.  It
passes over The Magical Candy Factory Of Learning and dumps
him into a smokestack.  His body gets all swirly as he spirals
down the smokestack like drain water.  He lands on a giant
marshmallow.)

        KID
        Hey!  My bed got softer!  Wait, this
        isn't a bed, it's a marshmallow!
        Maybe this isn't my bedroom!

(Two robots, KNINK and KNANK, enter.)

        KNINK & KNANK
        (singing, together)
        Weeeeee rep-re-sent
        the Magical Candy Factory
        the Magical Candy Factory
        the Magical Candy Factory
        Of Learrrrrrrr-ninnnngggggggg!

        KNINK
        We're here to teach you--

        KNANK
        --to teach you--

        KNINK
        --teach you stuff!

        KNANK
        --fun stuff.

        KNINK & KNANK
        (together)
        JUST BECAUSE WE LIKE YOU!

        KID
        Wow!  But... Hey!  What could anyone
        possibly learn from a candy factory?

        KNINK
        Here, watch this educational--

        KNANK
        --this educational TV show.

        KNINK
        It's educational, you know.

(They wheel in a big candy-encrusted console TV with a
scary smiling face where the picture tube should be.
They push it very close to the kid's face.  The TV
opens its mouth and spits a stream of acid in the boy's
face.)

        KID
        YAAAAAAGH!!!  IT'S ACID!  MY EYES, MY EYES!

        KNINK
        Ha ha ha ha!

        KNANK
        Hee hee hee hee!

        KNINK & KNANK
        (together)
        Don't be silly, that's CANDY acid!

        KID
        (licking his face)
        Wow!  You're right!  It tastes good!

        KNINK
        Good for you, too!

        KNANK
        Betcha never knew learning about
        candy could taste so good!

        KID
        Holy cow!  I wanna learn more!
        I wanna learn so much more I could burst!

        KNINK & KNANK
        (together)
        If that is your wish, o master, then
        thy will be done!

(The two robots embrace and there is a flash of light.
They turn into a robotic, candy-covered chair.  The
chair grabs the kid and straps him in with licorice rope.)

        KID
        (giggling)
        That tickles!

        CHAIR
        Careful, don't fall out!

(The chair rolls onto the factory floor.  A huge machine
is dripping out tiny chocolate drops.  Each one makes
a different musical note as it comes out of the nozzle.)

        CHAIR
        This is how chocolate bars are made.
        First we make chocolate drops, then
        we melt them in a special bar-shaped mold!
        Would you like to see the mold?

        KID
        Sure!

        CHAIR
        Here you go!

(The chair holds up a candy bar covered with green fuzz
and shoves it into the kid's mouth.  He immediately
becomes morbidly obese, and develops high-water pants.)

        CHAIR
        Mmmmmmmmmm, mold!

        KID
        (with his mouth full)
        Thif tafes delifif!

        CHAIR
        No talking in the factory, kid!
        Even with your mouth full!
        Next stop, Nougatland!

(The chair passes under a waterfall of melted nougat.
The kid now has three-eighths of an inch of it all over.)

        KID
        I can't breathe!

        CHAIR
        Then you need a dip!

(The chair jumps off a high-diving board into a
vat of candy shell.  The chair climbs out and now
the kid has a glossy red shell.  A hydraulic
stamper comes down from the ceiling and prints a
white "K" on his belly.)

        KID
        (being suffocated)
        MMMMMFFFFF!!!  MMMMMMMMFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!

        CHAIR
        Wanna see how peanuts are shelled?

        KID
        MMMMMMMMMMMMMMFFFFFFFF!!!   MMMMMMFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!

        CHAIR
        Okay, we'll skip that one and look
        at how candy canes get their stripes!

(The chair rolls over to where Jack Nicholson has
just had his nostril slit open in "Chinatown".
He is picking up plain white candy canes and screwing
them into his nose, then pulling them out with
red stripes.)

        KID
        (passing out)
        Mmmmmfffff...  mmm...

        CHAIR
        Hey, kid, you don't sound so good.
        In fact, you sound DEAD!  Guess
        you should've eaten more candy!

(There is a flash of light and an explosions as the
chair separates into KNINK and KNANK.  The kid, still
covered in goop and unconscious, falls to the floor.
Several elephants, covered with fluorescent psychedelic
swirls that keep changing color, stampede over him.)

        KNINK
        (to KNANK)
        Looks like Michael learned his lesson!

        KNANK
        (to KNINK)
        Yes, Michael learned his lesson!  About candy!

        KNINK
        The lesson about candy is that you
        should always eat it!

        KNANK
        Yes, you should always eat candy!

(Both turn to stare into the camera in extreme close-up.)

        KNINK & KNANK
        (together)
        ...BEFORE THE CANDY EATS YOU!

(The robots explode, and it begins raining candy.)


(FADE TO BLACK)


TITLE CARD:  AN ENCYCLOPEDIA NECCONICA EDUCATIONAL FILM


                                                -- K.
                                                I hope this sets
                                                everything back to
                                                normal, like the
                                                end of a wacky sitcom
                                                where Chachi has to
                                                dress up as an Arab sheik.