I wrote this in September 1994. You'll like this if you think Nazis are funny! Thanks to Scott Ramming for suggesting one of the silly bits.

EINSTEIN'S WAR STORY

by
James "Kibo" Parry

Einstein was working in a supermarket. He hated the job, as his boss was a real dictator.

"Einstein!" screamed the manager, Adolf Hitler. "Get your fat ass over here!"

Einstein dropped the toilet plunger and ran out of the back room to where Hitler was pointing down the vegetable aisle. Hitler's eyes glowed red as he bellowed, "Einstein! Check the expiration dates on all the canned corn, take the ones that have expired, shake them up good, and relabel them 'creamed corn'! Mach schnell!"

"Ja, boss," sighed the great scientist, picking up a can of Brown-Shirted Giant corn in one hand and a can of Das Monte corn in the other. Hitler marched away to see if the deli manager had combed the weinkraut straight.

Why me? thought Einstein. Before the war, I was just twiddling my thumbs like a happy person, and now look--I'm stuck here on Aisle Four of the local Aryanway. What a rip-off!

Just then, his thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a malfunctioning V-2 exploding just over the market. Why is it that when a movie's good they call it a "blockbuster" but when a movie's bad they call it a "bomb" even thought a blockbuster is just a bomb? And if a V-2 hit my house exactly halfway up, would you say the house was burning up or burning down? His eyes drifted down the label of a can of the Brown-Shirted Giant's Tender Corn Youthlets.

Ingredients: Water, Partially Defatted Fatty Corn Meal, Dioctyl Sodium Sulfosuccinate, Polyquaternium-15, Carageenan...

He was reading the word "Potassium" when another V-2 exploded. #BOOM!# The thought struck him as debris rained down on the market's leaky roof. "Ach! Of course! Eureka! It is so simple!"

Because potassium's chemical symbol was "K", all scientists were required to refer to it as "kalium", and so if potassium/kalium/K were added to the warheads of the V-2s... instead of going "BOOM", they'd go "KA-BOOM!" Not only was this a more hip form of onomatopoeia (as evidenced by its use in comic books along with other "now" expressions like "ZOWIE" and "THWIPPP") but Einstein, a former sitcom writer, knew that words containing a "K" sound were inherently funny (kooky, kumquat, Kukamonga, korinthenkacker...) He would tell his bright new idea to Mr. Hitler and maybe he'd get promoted to assistant bag boy second class!

Two weeks later, Einstein was now first assistant bag boy second class, and Hitler's first V-8 missile with the new and improved formula--NOW WITH EXTRA POTASSIUM AND GAMMA CAROTENE--was ready for a test launch. The dictator frowned with glee as he pushed the launch button, which was cleverly disguised as that non-functional "Ring For Assistance" red button over every meat counter in the world.

As usual, the rocket exploded in mid-air. KA-POW!!!! A piece of flaming tail fin crashed through the roof with a KA-KRASH and KER-PLUNKED itself onto the floor, as the shock knocked over the bakery counter, making all the pies go KA-SPLAT. One hit Hitler in the face. He burst into tears as everyone laughed. World War II was ruined!

THE END

Copyright © 1994 James "Kibo" Parry