If you're not a member of Club 91, you must immediately leave or be punished. Punishment may, at the discretion of Leader Kibo, consist of drinking a bathtub of coconut Orbitz, watching The Golf Channel for a week without commercials, or marrying Lucille Ball.
Scroll down, or click one of these to jump to a section:
About Club 91
Secret Insignia
Secret Handshake
Secretly Identifying Members
Secret Word
Secret Lodge
Secret Security Force
Secret Benefits
Secret Initiation
Secret Dues
Secret Membership Roster
Secret Plan
Secret Downloads
Too Secret
Club 91 is a secret fraternity for those Kibologists who posted to alt.religion.kibology during 1991. Alt.religion.kibology was founded in November of that year. There is also a Club 90, solely so that we can laugh at lying losers who try to join it. Those of us in Club 91, because we posted to alt.religion.kibology years before most people, are better than everyone else in the world.
Of course, there's nothing wrong with being a Kibologist who has only posted to alt.religion.kibology more recently. Many Kibologists read the group and never post. Some Kibologists don't even use the Internet. I bet they think they're pretty cool. But we're in Club 91, so that proves we're the cool ones. (We get a card certifying we're cool when we pay the membership fee.)
Oh, I almost forgot the other reason Club 91 was formed: to keep Matt McIrvin out.
The logo uses three colors. The navyish one is Pantone Reflex Blue, the world's deepest, richest color, to signify that Kibologists are the deepest, richest people in the world. The yellow is a warm yellow, to signify the importance of nature. The special secret gray, which looks purplish when next to the other colors but brownish by itself, is in honor of Josef Albers, who is often wrongly credited with the Olbers Paradox which says that if there were intelligent life in the Universe, there would be so many stars out there that they would be packed together so tightly we'd all be crushed. The colors were secretly chosen by Kibo to make the logo look like something that would be used by a secret defense squad on a Gerry Anderson puppet show (Stingray, Thunderbirds, Captain Scarlet, etc.) and also to suggest a color scheme used by villains who used to beat up Adam West. (And still do, we hope.)
The lettering which says "Club 91" is a secret typeface designed by Kibo, and the small lettering is Futura Light, designed by Paul Renner in 1927. It was chosen because the word "Renner" is the same spelled backwards and forwards, which makes his typeface more legible.
"A . R . K" stands for "alt.religion.kibology", and also for the ancient Celtic "algae ryngwyrm kibog", meaning "Read the directions before beginning." Below, "YHBT . YHL . HAND" is a phrase so secret that nobody on the Internet can understand it. Do not attempt to ask what it means on alt.religion.kibology. You will not get the answer. "YHBT . YHL . HAND" is the only thing which cannot be understood by the mind of Man, unless he's in Club 91.
The secret insignia is to be worn on both shoulders, over the heart, and on both knees at all times. Those who are not bald must also shave it into the back of their head. For those who are bald, non-toxic stickers will be issued.
Clasp the other person's hand firmly and say, "By the way, I'm in Club 91, a secret organization of alt.religion.kibology members under the total control of Leader Kibo." If they appear puzzled, they are not in Club 91. If they say the response required by the ritual, they are a member. The secret ritual response is "Goshers! Me too!" or, in some areas, "Why forsooth, I am also a Kibologist who is a member in good standing of Club 91. My activities are not endorsed by Leader Kibo. This disclaimer is not required by Leader Kibo. Is that a pitted olive on the ground?"
Club 91 members always wear a tiny blue map pin so that they can identify each other from great distances. The map pin may be inserted into any bare flesh. These pins are available at any office-supply store (in the "Secret Club 91 Supplies" section) or at your neighborhood Kibology discount warehouse.
Sometimes they wear t-shirts which say "I'm With Stupid", too. Be careful: if the arrow does not point at you, then it is just a mundane non-Kibologist wearing a crappy T-shirt from Spencer Gifts. If the arrow points at you no matter where you stand relative to them, they're definitely a Kibologist, and you're definitely stupid!
Ssh! The secret Club 91 power word, which can destroy the entire Universe with its magical force, must never be uttered aloud, typed, or charaded. After all, if the Earth blew up, it would be your fault, and you'd have to pay for it. The word you must never say is "burlap".
Non-Club members sometimes say this word, but fortunately they do not pronounce it with the proper Kibological intonation to cause the destruction of the world. However, if someone calls out "BURLAP!!!" all Club 91 members must immediately leave the room screaming in panic.
And if you hear the word on TV, you must immediately drive out to Hollywood and punch whoever said our word, whether it be Carol Burnett or Homer Simpson.
Our secret Veronica Lodge is located in a quiet suburb of Riverdale, a community which we have isolated from the outside world to preserve its kitschy fifties atmosphere. Once we elimiate the rest of those pesky teenagers, especially the one with the plad head and that annoyingly Kramerlike guy called Jughead, we will expand our secret lodge with a geodesic dome which will cover Riverdale, so that we will never again have to go out in the rain to buy potato chips for our ceremonies.
To gain entry to the lodge, you must show a membership card, demonstrate the secret handshake, and prove that you know the word which will make the Universe blow up.
The lodge features numerous amenities, such as a six thousand foot TV set, mercury beds, and a big lava lamp outfitted for scuba diving. (With a talking dolphin to serve your every need!)
What would a secret society be without a secret police force? The Knights of Ninety-One defend Club 91 against intrusions from people like Matt McIrvin. They also drive funny little cars at the circus, just to conceal their true intentions. (And grenades fit inside a fez so easily.)
To see the secret logo of the Knights of Ninety-One, click here.
Most stores have a secret discount for Club 91 members. Look for a large fluorescent orange sign which says "Yes, we have a SECRET DISCOUNT FOR Club 91 MEMBERS... Thank You." Any product in any store with the secret Kibology logo, a tiny circled "K", is 99% off! (How can they afford to do this? The secret circled "K" also means that there is a secret tax whenever any non-Kibologist buys anything.)
When you receive your membership kit, it includes your own private copy of the entire Internet, in your choice of 100 DVD-ROMs, 500 CD-ROMs or 300,000 floppy disks! Browse for dirty pictures 'til the cows come home, safe in the knowledge that the government* cannot possibly be watching you! (* Kibo is not part of the government.)
(And for those of you who love DVDs, you'll get your very own personal DVD "zone"!)
Club 91 members are also issued special Get Out Of Jail Free cards that really work, as well as a License To Kill and a License To Not Be Killed. If you ever get pu lled over by a highway patrol officer, let them know you're a Kibologist by saying "beable beable beable" with one finger in your ear.
And last, but not least, every member of Club 91 gets a free lifetime supply of Dr Pepper... with the secret new "green" flavor, exclusive to Club 91!
We cannot reveal details of the initiation here. Especially the part about the Spanking Machine, or the part about David Hasselhoff and the Energy Shield Mask, or the part about eating 10,000 Sour Patch Kids in an hour, or especially the part about lying in a coffin while telling the members all of your video game high scores.
We have a wide menu of membership options to choose from. However, we're too classy to put the prices on the menu. A side order of garlic dill new potatoes is $5.00. Eternal membership is handled with the dues on a per-year basis, all payable up front. No refunds.
As Leader Kibo, a question I am frequently asked is, "Are there any famous people who are in Club 91?"
The answer is: Yes, but it's just me.
Club 91's officers include:
Supreme Commandant ........ Leader Kibo CEO ....................... Leader Kibo Master of Mixology ........ Leader Kibo Secret Sentinel ........... Leader Kibo Ultimate Force ............ Leader Kibo Double Astrogon ........... Leader Kibo Overlorded Operator ....... Leader Kibo Doorman ................... Leader Kibo Brainsmasher .............. Leader Kibo Manly Banister ............ Leader Kibo Docking Clamp ............. Leader Kibo Holder of the Combat Rod of Rheton ... Leader Kibo Eraser of Fine Print ...... Leader Kibo Creative Consultant ....... Leader Kibo Wacky Mascot .............. Puddles the Chimp
Click here to see the secret list of everyone who posted to alt.religion.kibology during its brief flirtation with being in 1991. This list includes all of Club 91's former and present members, including the two who were expelled for being too silly.
The typeface Helvetica, in all its variants, will be eliminated forever with our secret Helvetica Bomb. Helvetica is currently on every single piece of printed matter in the world, and the sentences printed in Helvetica are never worth reading.
Bob Hope will die. His ashes will be scattered over the Internet.
The following people will be resurrected from our secret Kibologicryonic freezers: Salvador Dalí, Dr. Seuss, Jonathan Barry, Guy Williams, Ennio Morricone, Isaac Asimov, Ernie Kovacs, Derek Meddings, Peter Sellers, Alfred Hitchcock, the little girl from "Poltergeist", Lenny Bruce, Albert Einstein, Gilda Radner, Francis Bacon, Orson Welles and/or Benny Hill, and Rasputin. Some of these people were British, but that should not be much of a problem.
All TV channels will show only programs which Kibologists consider "funny": Conan O'Brien, Small Wonder, Space: 1999, and that special where Shatner tried to contact the spirit of Houdini while James Randi was strapped to a gurney on morphine and drooling.
The United States of America will be renamed "The Untied States of America".
All subway trains and buses will run thirty seconds late, so that you'll never again just miss one.
Cherry Pez will go back into circulation in the Untied States. IBC Black Cherry soda will go back to its old Pez-like formula, not the wimpy new dishwater-like one.
The Earth's sun will be replaced with a big lava lamp, designed by Douglas Trumbull. Once a year, on her birthday, it will be stowed away and replaced by the smiling face of Erin Moran. We'll build special shelters.
Everything will be sold through vending machines, including Web page design services and oral surgery. Paper money will be replaced by a convenient bar code-shaped microchip implanted into your forehead which will make constant beeping noises and say "Hi! I'm your convenient microchip!" whenever you look in the mirror. It will simplify things because to buy anything you will merely have to run your head through a vending machine.
Lucky Charms will add Kibo-shaped marshmallows, then discontinue all the other shapes, including the non-marshmallow pieces.
Real life will be just like NBC's seaQuest DSV. Everyone's best friend will be a magical talking telepathic dolphin who will help you fight ghosts, androids, aliens, killer plants, and Neptune, god of the seas. (And also Neptune, the evil planet that tries to bite people.)
"Kibo" will be added to the Oxford English Dictionary. No other changes will be made, except that any word with an accent mark will smell funny. Except for "Salvador Dalí".
There will be no more cheese, ever. Used in its place in food will be stuff which always tastes good, like onions, mushrooms, or bacon. Faucets will be modified to dispense strips of crispy bacon. Automatic teller machines will dispense Canadian bacon, except in Canada, where they will dispense bacon-shaped pieces of cardboard marked "Ha! You're in Canada! You've got to go to America to get real Canadian bacon!"
Kibologists will infiltrate all public offices. They will do this by shrinking themselves with a magical shrinking ray to be discovered soon.
The Moon will be blown out of orbit on September 13, 1999. Martin Landau and Barbara Bain will be selected for this important one-way mission. They will take the Earth's entire supply of green cheese with them.
Instead of saying "duh", stupid people will now say "dimp dimp dimp double dimp". For the hearing-impaired, in sign language this will be represented by holding your breath until your head explodes.
Spot will still not be allowed, because he will still be just a dog.
Being laughed at will be better than being laughed with.
Our secret library of downloadable stuff has already been transferred to your computer while you were reading this sentence. In fact, by the end of this paragraph two three four your whole hard drive will be filled up with stuff that fills up your hard drive because it's big and it fills up your hard drive eight nine ten this network is too damn slow!
And for those of you who were Kibologists before alt.religion.kibology was created (that is, early 1987 to late 1992) there is an even more elite fraternity. But it's so secret that Kibo cannot even reveal its name to its members.
If you're a member of , use the secret NougatVision browser to go to the super secret page.
RETURN TO KIBO'S MALFUNCTIONING MOTHERBOARD
| James "Kibo" Parry | kibo@world.std.com | last revised Feb. 24, '98 |
Web site contents & design: Copyright © 1997, 1998 James "Kibo" Parry, all rights reserved.