83 FUN FACTOIDS ABOUT KIBO

Kibo sez: I got tired of reporters making up facts about me, so here is an officially-verified series of factoids to aid in researching completely believable articles. Any of these would make a great pull-quote in the middle of the page, especially in "TV Guide".

• Prominent Kibologists have included: Irwin Allen, Wil Wheaton, Slappy White, Al Molinaro, Al Gore, Kolak The Enforcer, Hugh "Lumpy" Brannum, Susan Sontag, Barney Rubble, Dian Parkinson, Cordwainer Bird, Clever Hans, Greg Morris, Jerry Goldsmith, Ernest Rutherford, and Darth Vader.
• Kibo thinks tomatoes are still poisonous.
• Kibo once sabotaged "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood" by hijacking the trolley to Cuba.
• Kibo cures pattern baldness, but causes random baldness.
• If Kibo ever dies, he will be interred in Grant's Tomb.
• Kibo is the voice of Duke Nukem 3D. He was paid $1,000,000,000 to record lines like "Hail to the king, baby!" and "Your face, your ass, what's the difference?" and the one Duke only says at the end of the last level, "I wet 'em!"
• Kibo can fit two billiard balls in his mouth and still sing "Goldfinger" beautifully.
• Kibo was the one who told Chuck Jones, "You know, it would be funny if you changed him from a golf-playing frog to a singing, dancing frog."
• Kibo's Personal Identification Number is 1.
• Mosquitoes never bite Kibo.
• Kibo made his fortune in the seventies by inventing a handheld game that could play tic-tac-toe. It used a 2x2 grid of LEDs, and sold for $99.98. It could reliably beat any human being, although it took a minute to compute each move.
• Kibo's favorite NASA mission: Apollo 44D.
• Kibo was on "Star Trek" once as one of the evil space children. He's the one who's happy to be given _vanilla_ ice cream.
• Kibo lives in a one-room apartment with 450 cats, due to a wacky proviso in his eccentric uncle's will. Also it's haunted, or at least the will says so.
• Kibo was once kissed by Barbara Bain. He reported it to the police once he got off the subway.
• The Berlin Wall fell because Kibo accidentally broke it.
• Kibo buys all his food at K-Mart.
• Kibo likes pretzels that are stamped out and only look twisted.
• Kibo has no navel.
• Kibo inspired Pee-wee Herman... twice!
• Kibo can divide by 22 in his head.
• Kibo not only won World War III, he single-handedly covered it up!
• Kibo can type 120 factoids per minute.
• Kibo found baby Spot in a walnut.
• Kibo has ten toes. In a jar.
• Kibo once fell out of an airplane, landing on Andy Rooney! Only one of them suffered a brain injury.
• Many nations claim the Moon. Only Kibo claims the Moon bit him.
• Kibo gets financial advice from the ghost of Abraham Lincoln, who lives in a quarter with George Washington.
• When Kibo watches TV, the actors feel an eerie chill.
• Kibo is allergic to magma.
• Hanna-Barbera fired Kibo for having legs that moved independently.
• Kibo doesn't know the meaning of the word "meaning".
• Kibo is electromagnetically repulsive.
• Dean Martin only heard of Kibo last month.
• Don Martin used Kibo as a model for most of his characters.
• Doc Marten doesn't really have a doctorate, because Kibo got it instead.
• Dan Marino has never heard of Kibo, and never will.
• Kibo's favorite movie is "Paddle To The Sea".
• Kibo drinks over four thousand gallons of vodka PER CAPITA.
• Kibo doesn't catch the flu. He steals it.
• In a secret operation, the government gave Kibo one bionic leg, enabling him to run over a hundred miles per hour. The bionic surgery cost $1,000,000 plus $5,000,000 in batteries. Now he can crush tennis balls--without even touching them.
• Kibo was the first person to earn a PhD in the womb.
• Kibo weighs as much as a barracuda on the Moon.
• Kibo lives in a giant motorized Rubik's Cube left over from a World's Fair. His next home will be a giant hollow sphere, which he can roll around by walking up the walls, crushing all the other houses in the neighborhood.
• Kibo has had the hiccups for over 500 years!
• Kibo owns his own satellite. It was launched by accident and is filled with oatmeal. Watch out!
• Kibo keeps his ant farm inside a glass basketball, just for the fun of it. He shoots, he scores!
• Kibo's home has a self-destruct circuit.
• Kibo made up Albert Einstein.
• Kibo owns a tuxedo made of real penguin feathers.
• In Sweden, "Kibo" means "God of death" and is a popular brand of children's cigarettes.
• Kibo directed "Solar Crisis", starring Charlton Heston and Jack Palance.
• Kibo is white on the left side, black on the right side. He fights a never-ending battle with Frank Gorshin.
• Kibo has the world's second-largest Johnny Jump-Up!
• Kibo invented the Frappuchino by spilling a frappe on his chinos. His dog, Spot, took one lick and was addicted for life!
• Kibo's personal computer is a Coleco Adam.
• Kibo invented rippled cow chips.
• Kibo works out with Joe Piscopo.
• Kibo likes things and stuff. Spot likes things but not stuff.
• Kibo isn't "funny" funny. He is "not funny" funny.
• Kibo sleeps in a hyperbarbaric chamber.
• If Kibo were a fuzzy bunny, he would buy a green dishwasher!
• Kibo knows Potsie personally.
• Kibology used to be available only in prescription strength.
• Kibo's favorite color: Pantone Black 1234.
• Kibo's goal in life: to travel through time and gather all the great geniuses who ever lived into one room, and then torture them!
• Kibo likes bacon because he foolishly thinks it's made from pigs.
• Kibo is turned on by women in gas masks.
• Kibo's dog Spot enjoys Jim Carrey, but not Howie Mandel, but can't remember which is which.
• Kibo has never thrown anything away in his entire life.
• Kibo is a frogman. A real one.
• Kibo has one red and one blue contact lens, so that real life will be 3-D!
• Kibo likes to buy distilled water and flush it down the toilet.
• Spot won't watch "The Odd Couple" because it would make him turn gay.
• Kibo is so important, he has a telex machine in his pool!
• Kibo is generic mutant.
• To debunk a myth, Kibo does not walk around all day in a Russian general's uniform. There is a difference between "Russian" and "Soviet".
• Kibo is under a doctor's care for hyperbozosity.
• Kibo killed Bob Crane... with kindness.
• Kibo can write upside down, under water, or on the Moon!
• All of Kibo's socks match... YOURS.
• As a child, Kibo thought Bob Hope was funny, because the TV told him so.
• Kibo is your sign of quality.